I want to pick up some very basic stuff, polite salutations, swear words, directions and so on before I come over. i.e:

'No, this is a knife ...' (thanks to Croc Dundee for that one)
'How many dogs did your mother sleep with before she birthed you?'
'Don't shoot ... I will go quietly ...'
'My best friend is a Minister of State and my brother-in-law is a military General.'
'Which way to the nearest pleasure house.'

You know, all the casual commentary a foreigner may need when motorcycling alone and for the first time. I am brave and stupid in equal measures, it should work OK for me if I can develop a sense of humour.

Is it best to pick up a bit of basic Mandarin or to try Cantonese from the online courses available (quite a few to choose from)? I am guessing Mandarin is more 'universal'. And would I do best learning by 'sound' from recordings of phrases or by trying to pickup a few thousand characters and translate?

A list of favourite necessary phrases from any of you experienced Chinese speakers and native Chinese would be most welcomed ...!