joKES

1st Grade Proverbs
A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Here are some of the results.
Better to be safe than....................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the .....................bug is close.
It's always darkest before....................Daylight Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of....................termites.
You can lead a horse to water but.....................how?
Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.
No news is....................impossible.
A miss is as good as a....................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new....................math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll.....................stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.....................me.
The pen is mightier than the....................pigs.
An idle mind is.....................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.....................pollution.
Happy the bride who.....................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is....................not much.
Two's company, three's....................the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what....................you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....................you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as....................Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not.....................spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed.....................get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you.................... see in the picture on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind....................get out of the way.
Better late than....................pregnant!!!!"

Exercise
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c." Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

nah mate, i'm inglish un my kinda inglish is wots proper.

anyway Nostradamus and the mayans reckon world's end happens 2012 and that is next year so partake of this once only special offer, send me $50 postage and handling to my paypal account details available on request and receive withn 30 days a FREE certified Certificate of Exemption From Apocalype blessed by a Supreme Magus (pending) of Magickal Arte (me) and a BONUS offer free talisman bead bracelet for the first 50 applicants ONLY.
Extra Special Offer for Approved Applicants (no Politicians/tax accountants/lawyers need apply) for low introductory payment of $100, a certified, Certificate of Temporary Camping Occupancy of TEN (10) metre squares of my bottom paddock in the Magickal Islande Of OZ for the Duration of the Apocalypse. Spouses/Squeezes/Bargirls/bum-buddies entry FREE. One per applicant STRICT limit, Children under ten half-price, two per Camping Spot. Dig your own latrines (next door neighbour's paddock), free firewood (State Forest next door). Spare shielas between ahem, approx 15 and 45 if tested and certified by me gain special exemption and use of my shower/indoor toilet/bathroom mirror and soft toilet paper. Bring your own BBQ and booze. Ex-squaddies and bikers half-price. Any race, colour or physical conformation accepted, NO RELIGION ALLOWED. After all, you will end up worshipping me. Sausage sizzle on Saturdays, happy hour, every day between 12.00 noon and midnight.

Is part of enlightenment coming to grips that we are not that enlightened. Sort of like saying that when you are 100% positive about something the actual probability that you are wrong is 99.9%?

Just little things changing can bring about big chains of events…in nature.

A woman thought she had cancer and found out she had a fungus infection, but the fungus was one thought to be indigenous to the tropics and she lived in British Columbia. A two degree rise in average temperature on the island of Vancouver caused the fungus to flourish. Its a chain, actually many interrelated chains.

The carbon dioxide of the earth atmosphere has been increasing and in our era it has increased by 300%. That gas holds heat and in that raises temperatures, in that causes lots of little changes that bring about more and more changes. The frozen water becomes liquid and in that also evaporates faster, more rain and more humidity. Certain life forms change some flourish and some meet their demise, some must have a very specific range to carry out their life cycle. Then others depend on those and others depend on those and so on.

You will see changes and they are normal reactions to others changes….intelligence can only be measured in adaptability to change.

I might consider a party in the Mexican desert…if there is some peyote involved. Australia is a gross long flight and I hate flying.

I also hate the smell of exhaust but do like grilled food, but know that it is layered in carcinogens, it makes me crave antioxidants.

The date is December 21, 2012.…It will be very powerful date it will represent the end of all end of days dates.

Wisdom

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears this is true.

There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.

Jake and Becky

Jake was dying.

His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I....I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I...I fooled around with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!"

"I know..." Becky whispered softly, "That's why I poisoned you."

Little Brothers Birth

A 911 call came in that a young mother had gone into labor. She was at home with her young 3 year old daughter. Nobody else was at home. Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic was able to respond to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, the 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Her mother pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!"