China wives

[lightend]

Right guys, need a bit of help here.

Its somewhat personal and I cant really talk to anyone who would under stand.
Kind of hoping someone here knows the cure.

Iv been married for about 3 years give or take, and dating a couple of years before marriage.
Our sex life used to be alright, never fantastic but 3 or 4 times a week.
We have had a daughter who is now 2 years old and for a while (I cant remember when or how it got the this stage) our sex life has been a dismal.
She can happily go for a month or more without any sexual contact.
I have talked to her about it but nothing changes.

She doesnt work and stay with our daughter all the time (she hasnt worked since a couple of months after we met). She NEVER starts sex, and most the time when I attempt it she gets annoyed.
She spends most her time reading a book on her phone and thats it. I tend to clean the house, hang up the washing to dry and put it away, I play with our daughter almost all the time that I am not at work (which is a killer) She also blows through my cash quickly. I used to give her free run with my money but after a couple of years I noticed that we were always living pay day to pay day. So I started to give her a monthly allowance. She has bought many things that she never uses (expensive french make up, a real hair wig etc etc).
I recently came home to find her sleeping at 7pm and our daughter playing with a wall socket, I went a bit mental at her for that and she refused to talk to me for 2 days (honestly, not a word or a grunt of acknowledgement for anything I said or asked her.

A couple of nights ago I tried it on (when she was talking to me again) and she let me, however she just read her damn book and didnt even take the time out to tend to me.
I gave up and went to the bathroom to relieve my self haha.

We are still quite young. Im around 27 or 28 (crap with numbers and dates so I honestly dont know) shes around 3 years younger than me.

I have done the normal things like flowers and jewelry and clothes (the clothes she said where crap, the jewelry she didnt like and the flowers were (to expensive") I also bought her underwear and that was returned to the shop the same day so she could exchange it. I do other things but mostly they get shot out the water.

I have been fairly good but there comes a time that a man does need some comforting and I feel like that time is fast approaching.

So to this end I sometimes just say "fu** it" and go out by my self for a few days ride and camp. I have returned home to a wife who wanted me to get back on the road and stay away. her mother got us sitting down and talking.

Any ideas how to reengage with her? or is my marriage as dead as a mao? (living on in memory but not really there)

[ShuBen]

a) for the money sounds like the typical "secret account", she puts beside whatever possible
b) kick her out ..... end of story (if you can -> take your daughter .... many chinese marriage end in this way that the father takes the child .... then the ladies can easier find a new husband)
or
c) leave it as it is and find a girl friend (target group: divorced with child) and then do b)

[ZMC888]

Lightend, sounds all too common I'm afraid. This is why there are streets of 'KTV bars' 'by the hour Bing guans' and 'funny hairdressers' massage parlors etc all over Chinese cities. Alas not all but many Chinese women actually never take the time to learn how to become sexually fulfilled and regard it as an unpleasant duty to ensnare a husband into marrying them and get a child, which they don't often really want as that is a family duty and expectation from her extended family. Get tough. Make it clear to her that if she cannot fulfill you sexually you'll get your jollies elsewhere, and if you find someone else of interest it's over. Try to get the mother in law to kick her ass, and make sure that her mother knows exactly how she's been behaving. Does your mother in law live nearby? She might be a better candidate to look after your daughter when you are at work. As Ben says there are some stunning divorcees that have money and have been abused by their ex, that might be just right for you. Spend money on your daughter and yourself and save for her future but give your wife a tiny amount of money to live on, like 200 a month and tell her to sort herself out and earn some money, and the reason that she ain't getting any money is because you are saving for your daughters future.

[lightend]

thanks for the two comments so far. alas, my mother in law lives around 1,000km away in Anhui, so its not really possible to get her involved often (my wife goes and vists for a couple of months each year, thats when her mother tends to get dragged into our family issues, and she is never too pleased about it). my wife has a younger brother and sister and the mother in law is more concerned with getting her sister to marry someone local and her brother to get a job.

Im almost certain she does not have a secret bank account as she really does buy all sorts of crap all over the place.
like that wig costing around 700 rmb and all it does is sit on a shelf on the wall and gather dust. Chinese new year is always expensive (i spend around 1,000rmb on Christmas, she spends around 10,000rmb over new year.. new coats for everyone and hong bao's and giving her mother the odd 1k)

this Augest I will get my daughter into a kindergarten so my wife has no excuse for not getting a job and earning her own money. The financial issue is just 1 of the minor ones. the sexual part is the one of greatest concern to me (and possibly my health)

I have met a few single mothers but they almost always want some incentive (iphones, cash for rent etc) so nothing has come of any of them. I was considering heading to Malaysia for a year and taking my daughter on her British passport leaving my wife to sort her self out. I think that's probably out of the question though.
If thing do not improve then it will be back on the table.

I guess I will have to confront her again soon and get things sorted out, one way or another.
I love my daughter and dont want to loose her, so it kinda just feels like my wife is just a necessary evil at the moment.

[artedesenyo]

for a moment I thought you have several wives in china.....

[Lao Jia Hou]

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Alas, I think the "dry" status (post-child) is quite common, and not just with Chinese women.

My own personal opinion is your focus needs to be on ensuring your child is taken care of. And perhaps I am old-fashioned, but that means the child has both a mom and a dad in the household. Don't give up just yet.

[Steve_Halt]

Guess it doesn't really matter if the girl is Chinese or comes from some other country. I'm married to a Russian girl and I have a daughter as well (she's 5 y.o. btw) and the situation is utterly similar.
No sex - check.
No job - check (and, before you ask, my daughter does go to the kindergarten and stays there Mon - Fri 08:00 - 16:00).
Wasted money - check.
Phone/iPad/PC all day - check.
I'm 28 y.o., my wife is 29.
OK, point is: I can relate to what you've posted up here and I know the reason why it happens. Unfortunately I can't offer any solution because if I could, I wouldn't be experiencing the same situation myself.
The reason goes as follows: as my Mom once said, girls may see baby birth from 2 different perspectives. One is "it's just a beginning", which means that there's lots of learning and development to be done in the nearest future.
Another is: "I did all I was designed for". Those girls perceive baby birth as an apex of their lives. The ultimate point. "Mission completed" sort of stuff. And that's when they stop caring about anything - it's just their constant martyrdom of being a Mom (and, as experience shows, a shitty Mom at that).
Things that won't work:
1. Gifts, talk, good attitude, taking her out. I tried all of those - nothing happened. Casual sex doesn't count, I guess we're in for more of relationship building here, right? Well, it didn't work out as I'd plan it or as the movies show it. Reunion? Open-heartedness? Intimate talk? Trust? Nothing. Until now I know not what my wife is interested in and if she's interested in anything at all. Sure, she rides a bike. But monkeys have that ability as well, which doesn't make them sexually attractive or particularly smart.
2. Talk. Talk won't work. And it's not a language problem. Neither is it a cultural problem. The problem is the woman's GTFOofmyface attitude which doesn't really work toward understanding. Simply put - she won't understand you because she sees no need in that info you're trying to communicate to her. She might not even get it that you ARE saying something.
3. Baby care. I mean, being a good Dad and all. Taking a kid out. Playing with her. That surely is great for a Father-Daughter relationship and I do as much of that as I can, still it somehow doesn't make you be desired by your woman. No idea why - it's just as it is.
4. Housework. They say women get off at guys who do housework - bullshit. They take it for granted. Don't even try - you'll wind up with the whole lot of house stuff on you without any gratitude from your wife.

My advice: run. As soon as possible and as far as possible. Forget it all as you would a nightmare. Your kid is young, she won't even know. Should you be gnawed by Father's Remorse or whatever it's called, you can do all the explanation later. Much later.
Why I didn't run away: I was like you. I asked the same question. If the relationship could be fixed. Enhanced. Changed somehow. I was indeed looking for the answer. Like a way or method. I even googled it. And then my daughter grew up. Quickly and suddenly. And now I have a young lady at home who will be heartbroken as hell if Daddy left. And it's her, not my wife, that's keeping me there.
You want to leave - leave now. Another year and it will be too late. You'll hate yourself for not having quit earlier. And for many other reasons.

[ZMC888]

Come boys, the pain and suffering you cause yourself is for your kids. True Dads, not just fathers, who stick it out with the B.F.H. so that their offspring can have a father in their life, and to be honest your children need you, whatever their age.

[Steve_Halt]

True. That's what I figured out - if it's not me standing for the kid, then it's nobody else but a woman who's unable to find a job. Besides, I see it as my duty to make sure my daughter grows up different from her Mom.

[ZMC888]

Anyone that puts their children before their own happiness. Damn, that's the kind of guy I want to share this forum with. No bullshit. Kudos.