China wives

[lightend]

Right guys, need a bit of help here.

Its somewhat personal and I cant really talk to anyone who would under stand.
Kind of hoping someone here knows the cure.

Iv been married for about 3 years give or take, and dating a couple of years before marriage.
Our sex life used to be alright, never fantastic but 3 or 4 times a week.
We have had a daughter who is now 2 years old and for a while (I cant remember when or how it got the this stage) our sex life has been a dismal.
She can happily go for a month or more without any sexual contact.
I have talked to her about it but nothing changes.

She doesnt work and stay with our daughter all the time (she hasnt worked since a couple of months after we met). She NEVER starts sex, and most the time when I attempt it she gets annoyed.
She spends most her time reading a book on her phone and thats it. I tend to clean the house, hang up the washing to dry and put it away, I play with our daughter almost all the time that I am not at work (which is a killer) She also blows through my cash quickly. I used to give her free run with my money but after a couple of years I noticed that we were always living pay day to pay day. So I started to give her a monthly allowance. She has bought many things that she never uses (expensive french make up, a real hair wig etc etc).
I recently came home to find her sleeping at 7pm and our daughter playing with a wall socket, I went a bit mental at her for that and she refused to talk to me for 2 days (honestly, not a word or a grunt of acknowledgement for anything I said or asked her.

A couple of nights ago I tried it on (when she was talking to me again) and she let me, however she just read her damn book and didnt even take the time out to tend to me.
I gave up and went to the bathroom to relieve my self haha.

We are still quite young. Im around 27 or 28 (crap with numbers and dates so I honestly dont know) shes around 3 years younger than me.

I have done the normal things like flowers and jewelry and clothes (the clothes she said where crap, the jewelry she didnt like and the flowers were (to expensive") I also bought her underwear and that was returned to the shop the same day so she could exchange it. I do other things but mostly they get shot out the water.

I have been fairly good but there comes a time that a man does need some comforting and I feel like that time is fast approaching.

So to this end I sometimes just say "fu** it" and go out by my self for a few days ride and camp. I have returned home to a wife who wanted me to get back on the road and stay away. her mother got us sitting down and talking.

Any ideas how to reengage with her? or is my marriage as dead as a mao? (living on in memory but not really there)

[ShuBen]

a) for the money sounds like the typical "secret account", she puts beside whatever possible
b) kick her out ..... end of story (if you can -> take your daughter .... many chinese marriage end in this way that the father takes the child .... then the ladies can easier find a new husband)
or
c) leave it as it is and find a girl friend (target group: divorced with child) and then do b)

[ZMC888]

Lightend, sounds all too common I'm afraid. This is why there are streets of 'KTV bars' 'by the hour Bing guans' and 'funny hairdressers' massage parlors etc all over Chinese cities. Alas not all but many Chinese women actually never take the time to learn how to become sexually fulfilled and regard it as an unpleasant duty to ensnare a husband into marrying them and get a child, which they don't often really want as that is a family duty and expectation from her extended family. Get tough. Make it clear to her that if she cannot fulfill you sexually you'll get your jollies elsewhere, and if you find someone else of interest it's over. Try to get the mother in law to kick her ass, and make sure that her mother knows exactly how she's been behaving. Does your mother in law live nearby? She might be a better candidate to look after your daughter when you are at work. As Ben says there are some stunning divorcees that have money and have been abused by their ex, that might be just right for you. Spend money on your daughter and yourself and save for her future but give your wife a tiny amount of money to live on, like 200 a month and tell her to sort herself out and earn some money, and the reason that she ain't getting any money is because you are saving for your daughters future.

[lightend]

thanks for the two comments so far. alas, my mother in law lives around 1,000km away in Anhui, so its not really possible to get her involved often (my wife goes and vists for a couple of months each year, thats when her mother tends to get dragged into our family issues, and she is never too pleased about it). my wife has a younger brother and sister and the mother in law is more concerned with getting her sister to marry someone local and her brother to get a job.

Im almost certain she does not have a secret bank account as she really does buy all sorts of crap all over the place.
like that wig costing around 700 rmb and all it does is sit on a shelf on the wall and gather dust. Chinese new year is always expensive (i spend around 1,000rmb on Christmas, she spends around 10,000rmb over new year.. new coats for everyone and hong bao's and giving her mother the odd 1k)

this Augest I will get my daughter into a kindergarten so my wife has no excuse for not getting a job and earning her own money. The financial issue is just 1 of the minor ones. the sexual part is the one of greatest concern to me (and possibly my health)

I have met a few single mothers but they almost always want some incentive (iphones, cash for rent etc) so nothing has come of any of them. I was considering heading to Malaysia for a year and taking my daughter on her British passport leaving my wife to sort her self out. I think that's probably out of the question though.
If thing do not improve then it will be back on the table.

I guess I will have to confront her again soon and get things sorted out, one way or another.
I love my daughter and dont want to loose her, so it kinda just feels like my wife is just a necessary evil at the moment.

[artedesenyo]

for a moment I thought you have several wives in china.....

[Lao Jia Hou]

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Alas, I think the "dry" status (post-child) is quite common, and not just with Chinese women.

My own personal opinion is your focus needs to be on ensuring your child is taken care of. And perhaps I am old-fashioned, but that means the child has both a mom and a dad in the household. Don't give up just yet.

[ZMC888]

Some of the problems lie in the cultural expectations your wife has. She has grown up with expectation of the older generation helping her to look after her child. She probably resents you because your family cannot help her look after your daughter as she thinks it is 'nainai' that should be helping her. If not nainai, her mother.

A few ideas: When your daughter goes to kindergarten things will improve, and this is when you should try to pressure your wife into doing something constructive with her free time. Until then you could try to hire an 'aiyi' to help you out and give your wife some contact during the day and to relieve some of the pressure.

For me, my wife needs my mother in law near her and she lives with us. At first I thought this was strange and alien, and yes it doesn't help in the sexual relations department. However in the free time/financial department the mother in law allows my wife to be more relaxed and not feel overburdened and be able to work much more. This allows me more time for motorcycling and general enjoyment, and to be honest my lifestyle would be much more of a grind without her around.

[lightend]

Art, good god no, I cant manage living with one, forget several.


lao jia,
yeah my parents separated when I was 6 years old, I came to china on a holiday to see my old man. I kind of enjoyed my self here so stayed (just in a different province from my dad). I dont think not having a father in the house hold did my brother, sister or me that much damage.
But I think it would be best to try and keep together for my daughters sake.

ZM, I am hoping things improve when kindergarten starts. Its not an easy life for my daughter or wife as they are forever changing cities to fit in with my work (no work, no food).

My mother in law is in a village of around 80 houses so there isnt much in the way of work for me there, and she has her other children to take care of. so while she does come for the odd month here and there, it cant last (also as my apartments are normally very small, we have to share a room, so sex is stickily forbidden, not that it would make a big different ha.

I understand about the whole niania thing, but there is not much that can be done about it. I would have thought she would understand that and get on with it. haha, I couldnt imagine heading to the UK dumping my daughter with my mother and saying "see ya later, we are off to work, have fun" Although it would be great to see my mums expression haha.

I guess the general consensus is to stay with it for a while, try talking to her again and see what happens then if things dont improve, find someone more appreciative.

[SabineHartmann]

Any ideas how to reengage with her? or is my marriage as dead as a mao? (living on in memory but not really there)

You are both very young and expect do live a dream. When you want to go on with your marriage, try to become friends again. To understand the needs of each other, dreams and wishes. You only can have good sex when both are in the mood to do it. What are her dreams, wishes for the future, what is her target to live for. Are your and her expectations compatible?
The problems you write about are common all over the world and not only related to Chinese wives.

and see what happens then if things dont improve, find someone more appreciative.

Make a job description:
Looking for a young, attractive Chinese women
Willing to live far away from home,
Changing cities quite often
Taking care of a 2 year toddler
Of course captable of cleaning, cooking, washing, etc (no ayi)
Enough money to take care of the household, hairdresser once a month possible.
You have to be in a good mood when I come home whenever this will be, depends on business
Please prepare to have sex with me every 2 days.


Do I have forgotten something?

[bigdamo]

I was once told

"Marriage is hard at times you have to work at it.When you marry someone from another country/culture you have to work doubly hard"

I've been married to my wife for a long time now and for both of us communicating properly is a problem at times.Some times it takes me weeks or months to get her to tell her true feelings.

One thing in Chinese culture is to keep everything bottled up in side.It is a sign of weakness/loss of face to express true feelings in certain circumstances.