Anyone ever bought a bike from Taobao?

[euphonius]

Also, yes I'm aware that the licensing issue has been beaten to death, but I'm still confused! The bureaucracy is absolutely mind boggling...

The bureaucracy is what it is. It varies significantly from jurisdiction to jurisdiction. If you really want answers, you need to go engage the bureaucracy. Go to the Vehicle Management Bureau in your district and ask. Simple as that.

If your residence permit is in Guangzhou, that's probably the only place you'll be allowed to take a driving test if you still don't have a license. And if you apply in Guangzhou, it seems there's little chance of you getting the D or E endorsement that is necessary for riding a motorcycle. I've always thought there must be some remote suburb of Guangzhou that is still issuing motorcycle endorsements, but the ban there is pretty extreme so maybe not. Your wife's town is an option for registration, if she has kin there who could help out, but if you can't get a legal C1E or C1D license you're still not out of the woods.

Go bang on some doors, and good luck!

cheers